Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize