I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
