You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize