I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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