I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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