I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
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