just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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