There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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