I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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