The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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