I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
