I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
