Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
this hospital has no fireball
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
