we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
