Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize