So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
time to smoke my breakfast
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
