So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
