i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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