Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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