Jerry, you need to find god
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
