I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
