Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
