Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
