So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
