we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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