I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
