how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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