Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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