why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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