so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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