I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
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