She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
