i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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