Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
my phone needs a breathalizer
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
