There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Someone came in the potted fern
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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