worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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