checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize