He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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