I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
