I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
