i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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