I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Randomize
