I think my vagina is haunted
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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