Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
