i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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