You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
