I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
