I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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