Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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