Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
