Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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