one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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