clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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