Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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