He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
