if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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