drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
